Sitty Man'ger's Going to Hell, Snuffy's Goin' Fishin'

"According to a story in the Celina, Ohio newspaper, The Daily Standard, dated Oct. 2, 2004, “Former Celina Safety-Service Director Derek Allen received a $250 fine and a suspended 90-day jail sentence in Miami County Municipal Court in Piqua (Ohio) on Sept. 24 for a count of dereliction of duty, a second degree misdemeanor.”   My Daily Tribune (click here)

I’m gonna go fishin’

Deer Reeders,

The bankruptures, drunks, adulterators, and drugged deelin’ pimps on shitty clowncil’s hired a convicted crim’null fur shitty man’ger wen they’se cud have had a Porchmuth holler boy like me whooze only recurd is fifty speedin’ vileations like this shitty clowncil Saddle feller and that con Kob  krook.  Iffen they ‘loud me chaw I’d be the shitty man’ger today. And  thay dint even tell Porchmuth sitisins they wuz a hirin’ a crim’null named Dreck Allen till it wuz fate d'accomplished  if you’ll pardon my  French. Dont  missunnerstan’ me. I’m thinkin’ it makes sense hirin’ a crim’null fur shitty man’ger cuz after awl this is Porchmuth and you  want sumbody with experiens cuz if your  startin’ a howse of ill repute your not gonna adverties for virgins, are  you? But shootn’t you  tell sitisins  your  hirin’ a hooker and not virgin and then not spring it on ‘em after the knots bin tied, or tell ‘em on the  weddin’ nite, so to speak. “Oh, by the way, your bride, I meen your shitty man’ger’s, a hooker” withowt  alertin’ the sitisins first? No, that ain’t mountain dew, not in my holler. My addvice to this Allen feller is dont give up your day job just yet cuz this scandul’s gonna  snowbowl like a snaky slalom in Boozy  Idoho,  and our officious First Ward  shitty clowncil  member Cavein Jonson  will haf to go back to the drawin’  bored to cum up wif another skeem, and by the way he’s not the only Cavein Jonson on the shitty clowncil. Thay say the rode to hell is paved with Cavein Jonsons. Cavein W. Jonson wants the bran’ new shitty man’ger to  be howsed in the Martin’ Bildin’ a few doors  down frum hiz faled so-called hysteric antic shoppe in witch the banker Crampp whose dubbled up with the  p's bailed him out and now  lives there that’s goin’ threw a change of life after leavin’ the SOGP in a huff becuz the govinment money being laundered sumhow went down the drane with the fall guy. Crampp's distensing hisself from the bank so’s he wont disgrace it should he be indicated. Awl this the new shitty man’ger  wood have knowed  in time. First they don’t tell you he’s a crim’null and then they don’t  tell you he waz derelection in hiz duty and they wont tell hiz celery becuz  you don’t want to bounce a chick that big in broad daylite  cuz that’s hiway rubbery. The three final lists wuz a setup—a guy from Whyomin’ for rejoonal ballast, a gal for jender ballast, and a guy with a crim’null recurd whose a derelect, the top rechoirments witch the other two lacked. Shouldn’t the hiring consultan firm that handled this be indicated for frawd? It isn’t as if the shitty clowncil didn’t already have this Allen rite where they want him. He’ll have  all kinds of responsihillbillies and expectorations and  no authoritee  and absolootly no hope. It wuz my expectoration that there’d  be a honeymoon period for Allen, but this ain’t a hirin’, its a shotgun weddin’ and the feud that’ll follow will make the Hatfields and McCoys look like a baptist picknick. And me? That job dont kneed me.  I’m gonna go fishin’ and catch me some catfish and catch up on my chawin’.

Yours trewly,

Snuffy