Trash Talk: The Rat and the Unelected Mayor

The Rat and and the Unelected Mayor 

R: What I want to know is when you’re gonna stop this cockamamie trash collection schedule that’s never the same.

M: I told you it’s very simple. On designated holidays, everyone’s collection moves up one day. So if it’s on Monday, when the next holiday comes it’s on Tuesday. And if you’re pickup day is Tuesday, when the holiday comes it’s on Wednesday.

R: And if it’s on Thursday?

M: Then the pickup day is Friday if there’s a designated  holiday.

R: What’s a designated holiday?

M: You rats don’t know what a designated holiday is?

R: It’s not just rats that don’t know what designated holidays are. Most of the people in this town don’t know what they are or when they are.

M: Who told you that?

R: Never mind. I’ve got my sources.

M: Well, look Rodney, try to understand . . .

R: Rodney? I’m here on official business, so please address me as  Mayor Rodney.

M: Mayor?

R: That’s right. I‘m the duly elected mayor of the rats of Portsmouth. I wasn’t appointed like you, and I want the respect due me in my role as mayor. Didn’t you complain at a council meeting that the public weren’t addressing you by your proper title? And you hadn’t even been appointed mayor yet. You were just president of council. What did you want them to call you, Mr. President?

M: Let’s get back to the trash pickups and designated holidays.Why is it so hard to understand? If your pickup day is Monday, when the holiday comes it’s changed to Tuesday.

R: When there's a designated holiday?

M: That’s right.

R: Like St. Patrick’s Day?

M: No, St. Patrick’s Day is not a designated holiday.

R: It’s not?

M: No, it’s not.

R: Why not?

M: Because it’s not important. It’s not a legal holiday.

R: It’s not legal?

M: No.

R: It sounds like discrimination against us rats of Irish ancestry.

M: You’re an Irish rat?

R: My great-great-great-great grandfather came over on a boat from Ireland more than a hundred years ago.

M: But St. Patrick’s Day is not a designated holiday.

R: So, it’s an illegal holiday?

M: No, I wouldn’t say illegal.

R: Was it illegal when that woman brought two bags of trash to your office because she couldn't figure out your crazy pickup schedule?

M: I don't know what you're talking about.

R: Your memory's not much better than your math, is it?

M: We're talking about the trash schedule, not my math.

R: How about St. Valentine’s Day? Is that a designated holiday?

M: No, it’s not a legal holiday.

R: You’re a Protestant aren’t you?

M: That’s right.

R: What have you got against saints, Mayor?

M: Saints?

R: St. Patrick and St. Valentine. And while we’re at it what have you got against homosexuals?

M: They’re an abomination.

R: Who says?

M: The bible says, “You shall not lie with a man as with a woman. It’s an abomination.”

R: So you’re not a homosexual?

M: Absolutely not.

R: Are you an adulterer?

M: What has that go to do with trash pickups?

R: You know what it says in the bible about adulterers? “If a man is discovered committing adultery, both he and the woman must die.” Deuteronomy, Chapter 22, Verse 22-24.

M: What’s the big hang up about trash days? 

R: The big hangup is you're switching them around.  We’re creatures of habit, us rats, believe it or not. My father and my grandfather before him could count on the trash being picked up on the same day every week, like clockwork, depending on which ward we’re talking about.  On Monday, they would take the sewer to the First Ward. On Tuesdays they would take the sewer to the Second Ward. Etcetera. Five days a week, six in my grandfather’s day. They knew where they could get a square meal every night. But no more. Now it’s chaos. Neither the rats or the people know what the hell’s going on with the trash.

M: I’m sorry. We can’t afford that system anymore.

R: Because you don’t want to pay the hardworking sanitation crews overtime.

M: We can’t afford to pay them overtime.

R: But you can afford to pay the police and fire plenty of overtime. You've driven the city close to bankruptcy with all their overtime.

M: They’re doing essential work

R: And picking up the garbage isn’t essential?

M: It’s not garbage, It’s trash.

R: Says you. The sanitation crews know and us rats know that plenty of it’s garbage, or we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. No self-respecting rat is interested in trash.

M: This meeting is now over. I’m a busy man.

R: Busy? Why you're one of the laziest men in this city. In fact, you’ve  been avoiding work all your life. 

M: Who told you that?

R: I've got my sources. You were on the state payroll as a so-called laborer on the roads, but you were a notorious goldbricker, before you moved on to your current racket.

M: Religion?

R: Portsmouth politics, where there are more abominations than there are rats in the overflowing sewers of Portsmouth.

M: If you don’t leave this office, I’m going to call the police.

R: I’m going. I’m going.  But before we end this trash talk, let me  recommend a website. It’s BibleTrash.com.  And I’ll provide a link for you (click) here.

M: Are you an atheist? An atheist rat?

R: I'm  free-thinking rat. 

M: Then I'll follow you out.

R: Why?

M: Because I'm going out on the steps of the Municipal Building  and pray to the Lord to rid Portsmouth of rats. 

R: Save your breath. Your Waste Water Manager Duncan is drowning us rats faster with his flooded sewers and basements than the Lord can do in a month of Sundays.

M: (picking up the bible from the desk) Here it is. Isaiah, 55:17:
". . .those who eat the flesh of pigs, rats and other unclean things—they will meet their end together with the one they follow."

R: I think I speak for all my constituents when I say if your prayers against rats are as effective as your prayers for prosperity we don't have anything to worry about.

M: But the bible says . . .

R: Oh, the bible says so many things, like death is going to come to adulterers, and that the slothful are not fit to rule (Proverbs, 12:24), but there you sit in the mayor's chair, which you are not qualified for and to which you were not elected. It's a wonder anybody in this trashy city has faith in anything. Incidentally, what does the bible say about bankrupts? 

". . .those who eat the flesh of pigs,
 rats and other unclean things—
they will meet their end together
 with the one they follow."